Summer is almost over

i think it may almost be time for me, if even one of the nicest ppl ive ever met can’t do it then what chance do I have on. At least i have the solace that the money i leave behind will help my two best friends in their life to come. With every day that passes the less i chat, the more i prent to be positive and the closer I get

rainie-is-seasonchange:

“Love the trees and their leaves bursting colours”

Helsinki, Finland.

Sooo helped out someone & gave them my spare room instead of renting it & he now turns into some anti social person along with my housemste. To the point it feels like I’m living with a freaking couple. This was why I left my old place & this is what I was doing my best to avoid & yer here Iam. This is why u never help anyone cause karma dosent exsit & the world loves screwing with ppl in wierd & wonderfully slap in your face ways

Write it down they say, so here are the bullet points for our chat this evening. Theirs no outcome I can see it ending well but hey that is my life so let’s see what happens :p

1.What’s going on…. let’s air it out, cause some thing isn’t right & rather than be a child & not talk about it, let’s speak about it

2. We can keep on going on like this, getting by. But that’s just not fun for anyone, well at least not for me.

Like I said or think I said at the start I want this to be a home with friends not just ppl in a room.

I’m sorry I don’t want to live with u, however I just had a feeling & well this last wk just proved my feeling right

3.Feel like I’m living with a couple

4.Instead of me looking for someone u take over my lease & I leave in like a month or two.

So another couple days has passed, Found a house mate, get along great but every now and then theirs a wierd vibe. But she is cool and a chilled person. Thought i found my other house mate to but then i had my white rabbit pop and for no reason that i could explain to my housemate, i had to tell someone no and for no other reason then he knew my old housemate that i cant stand anymore, because he smoked weed to much and for having no other reason then my white rabbit. But now ive got someone staying in the room and not charging them, just cause they needed a place, but im still losing idk roughly 350 like wtf..why am i do this to myself. But hey at least right now i don’t feel to bad for it, even tho im still spending more money than I should everyday :(, but i got 4L of beer for 10bucks on sat, so thats a positive for the alcoholic enthusiast in me and right now ive only got like 300ml left :p

But hey so my current house mate thats paying likes the person that ive let stay in the room, however he just reminds me to much of me, he’s only 20 and i just don’t have the energy to be able to put in the long term, just like before ive got my white rabbit poping up. Idk what to do, i know she likes him and gets along great with him and i like him and hes nice but i just can’t do it for the long term. Plus im just so hesitant about telling my current house mate about not wanting to live with him, ultimately its my decision cause its my money… but that is not the attitude to have, its as much choice her as it is for me. 

Idk why tho but ive just been feeling anxious all day and just cant deal with it, i have been acting calm and relaxed all day but on the inside i just want to scream and have a good cry. 

But on the positive I did win to get to be a product tester for my fav cafe, so that was fucking fantastic :D so that 2 wins from the last couple days….so yer but hey well see what happens and just got trust the rabbit

Its been a while since i posted anything, but i just need to express what im thinking right now.

and FUCK COVID

Like SERIOUSLY FUCK COVID

Ive lost 2 jobs so far before i was even able to start them, i have had rethink my life plans multiple times and it just fucking sucks. I had one opportunity to work on a dive boat in okaniwa japan, and my god that job would of been fantastic. would of alowd me to get my diving qualification, get fit work on a boat in a beautiful tropical part of the world. Im more pissed at my self tho because their was a opportunity to still make it over their and i should of taken it, i should of put the effort in and realised i had to leave before the end of march and left. Because if i made it over their, even if i wasn’t working i would of been able to just sit on a beach in the sun until the job started. I had a realisation the other day where i this job is like a ex to me know, cant get over it and just cant get it out of my head. But fuck everything happens for a reason right so just gotta keep pushing and hope for it all to work out.

Now after the chaos of my Japanese visa expiring and accepting this kinda and my back up plan of working at the snow completely failing, well kinda. I can up with a awesome plan for the next year for life and for work. One that i was exited for and then resitrictions didn’t get lifted :( and that got fucked and lost that job before i could even start.

So now im jobless, just moved houses lossing over 500 dollers a week and stressed to all hell. But just have to believe thats its all gonna work out and to use this time as positivly as i possible can. Ive got no choice but to stay positive and keep distracted, things have become harder but it is still possible to get it all done. 

HAHA i think this is one of the very few not so extremely negative post. At the moment im just stressed as fuck, ive stopped exercising and my body just feel likes it is falling apart. But fuck im not the only one at the moment. Its been a crazy couple yrs ive made some bad mistakes and treated some people like shit. But right now i do have a chance to help someone, so lets see if i can not fuck this one up.

Life can really just hit you, like all it takes is a couple worlds or one shit night & you end up in a very bad sprial, seeing a vision of what your life should be like & it really really is though, seeing the life you should have, is just devestating to someones soul & heart. Especially when they are alone & they know they will never have that sought of love again, as much as you hope u will. It’s just so doubtful you’ll feel that way about anyone again. If your lucky u meet the one in life if you are a self destructive piece of shit you meet them only to lose them twice & see them now living the life that you hoped you would be living with them.

& you just end up crying in the lounge unable to tell anyone why

I’m 24 now, still struggling everyday no matter how hard I try. Even tho I’m doing something I love in being at the snow & skiing, I just still feel not worthy of being alive or like I deserve anything but for pain in my life. I’m seeing someone I’m not in love with but am to scared of breaking it off as I just don’t want to be single again, but I’m just being selfish saying that & becoming the person I hate. Which makes sense as I’m starting to actually like myself, so if I do this then I have to hate myself again. Anyway hopefully things will get better, but who knows. Just gotta hope that the girl for me is just around the corner.